you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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