I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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