Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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