how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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