the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
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I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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