I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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