I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
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I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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