I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize