she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
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HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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