im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize