I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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