burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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