it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
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I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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