I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
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If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
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You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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