I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize