It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
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May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
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I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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