matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
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YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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