You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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