i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
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i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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