Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize