Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
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Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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