i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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