so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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