Need sex. Gaining weight.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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