he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
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She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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