At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
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THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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