he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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