I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's always time for handjobs
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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