I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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