I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Never underestimate the power of titties
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