No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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