if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
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There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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