this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize