if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
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They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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