She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
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Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize