nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
