Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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