I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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