i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We got so high we made milksteak
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
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Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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