After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
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Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
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Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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