I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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