I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Can Purell be used as lube?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
