I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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