if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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