If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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