I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She swung at the pinata with crutches
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You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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