Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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