apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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