You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
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He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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