wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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